Claudio Arrau: Insecurity and Dreams

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The troubles that kept me from giving everything I had had to do with vanity. I wanted to please. And I was afraid not to please. Abrahamsohn worked continuously on that idea. How right he was. The less vain you become, the more creative you are. One gets to the point where one is courageous enough to displease, if it's called for by the composer. There are certain places in Beethoven, for example where he is almost brutal.
JH: The word vanity usually suggests arrogance or excessive self confidence. But I think you're talking about a type of shyness- vanity in the sense of worrying what others will think of you,and therefore not expressing yourself in a way that might antagonise or confuse.
CA: I don't mean vanity in the sense of being conceited, but of wanting to please. And that is of course due to insecurity.
JH: Would you say that , as a result of conquering this impulse to please , your piano sound changed?
CA: It becamse richer, more assertive. Everything had more meaning.

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JH: One of the things you've mentioned in writing about this period is learning to interpret your dreams.
CA: Oh yes. I kept a notebook. And I trained myself, when I had an important dream, to wake up and write it down. I developed this capacity to wake up and when I felt my subconscious wanted to tell me something.